A good girl

I was born 1956 in Copenhagen, Denmark. My Danish father passed away when I was only a few weeks old. My Norwegian mother took me with her back to Norway, where I still live. 
 
In my early years I often wondered when my REAL parents would come to get me. I so did NOT fit in. At all. I simply did not understand the way they lived their lives. SO much drama! Showing up with so many different masks! And choosing to complicate it all when at a deep level I simply knew that life gets to be easy. I seemed to never be able to see who they truly were. Truth be told: I DID see quite a bit of it, but was far too young to be able to articulate it.

 

One coping mechanism was to become "the observer". Another, to adapt to and comply with what where the rules of society at the time.  Turning me into a very good girl who never rocked the boat and at the same time forgot who she was.  All of which I'm guessing others can relate to as well.

 

For me this was the start of what finally resulted in.....

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Burnout

 

“This isn’t just a story about breaking.
It’s about what you find when nothing is left but your truth.”
— Sarah Kissane, Truth Story

 

My body - and sometimes my mind - tried to tell me. Over and over. At first subtly. In the end screaming! All of it easy to see in hindsight. To make a long story a bit shorter, I hit a wall. Hard. The price to pay for being such a nice girl and focus on always doing the right things in the correct way, totally ignoring that I was on a collision course with the core of my being.

 

I grew up in an environment where my parents had a dysfunctional relationship (to put it mildly) and where there was an emphasis on first and foremost what the surrounding and other people thought of us, and when that is the focus for many years it equates to abandoning oneself.  Add to that the fact that so many of my family members rarely - if ever - showed their true selves. I can still to this day remember and feel the knot in my stomach and whole being as I so wanted them to show us what I could see and sense behind the masks. So, what does one so at at young age to cope?  You adapt. And get good at the same pattern.

 

"Sidenote": I have the greatest respect and love for my parents. No shame. No blame. They were a "product of their time" and always did their best with what resources they had - both material and otherwise. In hindsight (after knowing my Human Design blueprint), it is easy to see why and how I so strongly felt I did not fit in. 

 

I don't think I have ever been capable of putting on masks myself, but into my adult life I kept being a good girl, living up to others expectations of how to be in the world. 

 

Until I could no more. From the day my body more or less collapsed, leaving me sitting day in and day out in a recliner not knowing how to muster the strength to even get up to fetch a glass of water it has been quite a journey. A journey that has taken years and as a "warning": If you have experienced burnout once, beware! It's easy to aquaint yourself with it again. 

 

This journey got me in touch with more of ME. Through lots of rest, walks in nature, contemplation, breathinng reading, training and certification in different healing modalitites, in NLP, in Craniol Sacral therapy, Aromatherapy and more. 

 

Several years later, I finally found Quantum Human Design™, which confirmed that who I had become - my truer self - totally matched my Orchestrator (Projector) type and that has given med lots of tools and insights about how to BE in the world. Not about WHO I am, but more about HOW to operate in an aligned and sustainable way. 

 

(I actually familiar with Human Design years prior, but found the traditional Human Design too "mental" and quite frankly "too much" for me during my process out of burnout. That is NOT me talking down traditional Human Design. It is important to know that as well. It is after all the foundation.

 

Closing remark:  Burnout is not about being tired, although that is, of course, a side effect of it. It is about a nervous system in crisis, and as I see it, it has (at least) two sides to it: physically overworking over time, putting strain on both the physical body, your mental health and the nervous system. AND: due to an identity crisis. Meaning you lose contact with who the real you is. Which often happens in relation to a spiritual awakening (the BIG question: Who am I and why am I here?)

 

My burnout was actually a combination of the two - which I suspect happens for quite a lot of people in this state of being.

 

Finally:  When in the midst of a burnout it is dark, painful and experienced as a curse. Once you get out the other end of it all, most - if not all - will see that it has been a gift. 

 

Also: NEVER BE AFRAID TO SEEK HELP AND SUPPORT (also from professional health workers if needed)